I had a rough week. Not a “I can’t get this restaurant open” rough. More like, “I hate my smart phone” rough. I think back to my days with Reverend Miller and Mrs. Woodward in Sunday school. I think about the lessons that should have taught me not to hate but I’m telling you; we didn’t know about smart phones back then.
I have two smart phones. One is given to me by my employer. It has something called apps that allow me to get up to the minute information regarding the company projects. I didn’t have any problems with that phone.
My problems revolved around my personal smart phone.
Going back to when I was young, I enjoy reading novels written by a guy named Stephen King. Steve wrote books that were intended to scare you a little bit. He wrote about demons, witches, beerviruses, rabid dogs being stranded all winter in an abandoned hotel and a car named Christine. I will talk about Christine in a minute.
I stopped reading his novels after he wrote a book he titled “Pet Semetary”. When I finished the book, I was finished with Steve. I was so bothered by the ending, I realized. Steve was in fact: crazy. No one sane can think of things like that. Should I mention, he is also political.
So here we are, forty years since I’ve read on of his books and I am living in the world he wrote about. No, I don’t have beervirus. At least, I don’t think I have beervirus. I do have a lingering cough and my ears are popping. Stop it Monner, you do not have beervirus.
Although it has been cold this past month and I am surrounded by snow; I am not snowed in and get to town everyday. I own Christine. Not the car, I own a smart phone that I think might kill me.
I’m serious. This phone can turn itself on without help from me. It makes its own calls.
I was driving with Christine on the seat next to me when I heard a very faint noise. It sounded like someone or thing was whispering, “Monner, Monner, Monner”. I looked at the seat and the screen on Christine was lit up. I picked up the phone and I heard Elaine say,
Elaine: What do you want?
Me: I don’t want anything, you called me.
Elaine: I didn’t call you, You called me.
That spooky feeling I got when I finished “Pet Semetary” started coming back.
Most of the calls this week ended with;
Whoever: Are You there?
Me: I’m here, can’t you her me?
Whoever: Are You there?
I took Christine to the nice folks at Horizon. The nice guy with the tablet said,
Guy: What can I do for you?
Me: My phone is alive.
Guy: Well (condescending), let’s have a look at it.
I handed him, Christine. While he was holding Christine, Christine started flashing screens. Christine was obviously upset. Christine startled the Horizon guy. Horizon guy suggested that I put Christine in a box and send her back for a replacement.
I’m not sure a cardboard box is going to hold it. I hope she gets confused and can't find her way back home.
Yesterday was February 29th. Leap Year Day. Seriously, who thinks of this stuff? Every four years, we add an extra day to go to work. I think it was Ivy. She took the day off. Elaine and I were in the store by ourselves!
When Elaine messed up some poor woman’s yarn return and the cash register locked up, where was Ivy? I’ll tell you where she was, at the movies.
Elaine: Do you know who to do a return on the cash register?
Me: I just remembered we need dog food. I’ve got to go.
Ivy used the day as a day off. Elaine sold yarn. I purchased dog food. In four years, I’m taking the day off and someone else can get the dogfood.