The Bucket List Christmas of 2021
Merry Christmas to all. The holiday season which I will now name the “Bucket List Christmas of 2021” is rapidly coming to an end.
I know many of you expect to read a story about a yarn store in northern Colorado or possibly the family that owns and operates the store. You might expect to read about the career of a simple construction worker that knows all the secrets of the building you are in right now.
I have come to the stark realization that most people read these stories because they have nothing to do on Sunday mornings.
Wait, where was I? Oh yeah, I was going to tell you this holiday season has so many opportunities to cross off items on my ‘bucket list”, I won’t be writing about yarn or construction. I’m going to write about myself.
I love Christmas time, and as long as I have children, Santa will come to my house on Christmas Eve. But maybe not this year. I have scheduled a surgery that will take place a few days before Christmas. I should be home before Christmas, but who really knows. At this point, my Christmas will be fantastic if I'm home with the family to enjoy it.
Did you know there is a new beervirus out there? Yep, and the medical profession is taking it very seriously. I have had several appointments and consultations at several medical facilities, each one with a guard questioning the intent of all that enter.
I’m a little concerned about the guards, most of them are in their twilight years, just volunteering time. If someone wanted in bad, I’m pretty sure you could walk right past them. Anyway, they ask:
Guard: State your business. Me: I have an appointment. Guard: Do you have beervirus? Do you know anyone who has beervirus? Do you know any who wants beervirus? Me: No Guard: Go to window #3
Window #3: Can you state your name and birthdate? Me: Yes #3: (after long pause) Go ahead Me: Monner, ##-##-#### #3: Do you have beervirus? Do you know anyone with beervirus? Do you know anyone trying to get beervirus, abroad? Me: No #3: We will put on this bracelet, take these stickers, follow the yellow arrows, give the stickers to the lady at the desk.
Following the yellow arrows would typically not be a big deal, however, for a guy walking with the aid of crutches, well, it (construction language) hurts. Elaine told me to slow down, take my time and stop swearing so loud.
At the last yellow arrow sat a nice (appearing) lady, who asked for my stickers.
Desk Lady: Can you state your name and birthdate? (This is getting old) Me: Yes (it never gets old) Lady: Please Me: Monner, ##-##-#### Lady: Do you have beervirus? DO you know anyone with beervirus? Can we interest you in beervirus?
I might have stopped listening and not quite heard the last beervirus question.
Lady: Have a seat they will come for you.
It took a while and “they” never came for me. “She” came for me. I remember from 9th grade English class the proper use of pronouns and I can’t let you change that. Oh, sorry, I felt myself getting a little carried away.
“She” came into the waiting room and loudly said, “Monner?” I was the only Monner that stood up. well actually, Elaine stood up. No other Monners stood up. As I walked to her, she asked,
Nurse: Can you state your name and birthdate? Me: Probably (This is getting old, I wanted to ask how many guesses I was going to get)
My name and birthdate were on my bracelet, my stickers, and on her computer screen. I could have peaked at anyone of them, but I was able to guess the answer on my first try.
The beervirus questions changed
Nurse: Have you been tested for beervirus recently? Me: No Nurse: Hmmm
Here comes the bucket list part!
Nurse: I need you to take off everything above your waist, you can leave on your underwear. Me: I can do that
I was lying comfortably in my underwear when the nurse came back into the room and announce the doctor has changed the procedure.
Nurse: We’re going to need you to remove your underwear, this is M&%@n, he will be shaving you!
When you have not prepared a bucket list of all the fun things you want to achieve, life will write a bucket list for you and not all of the items on the list will be fun. For the first time in my life, I have had a young man shave my (construction language). Scratch that off the list.
All of this was in preparation for my upcoming surgery, with one addition. I am required to have a current beervirus test. Which I have done. Elaine said I could have been nicer, but I might have been stressed out.
Beervirus testing was/is done in the parking lot of a medical facility. Upon arrival, you pick a lane for your test. I picked the wrong lane. I was greeted by a tech with a computer.
Tech: Are you here for testing? Me: Yes Tech: Do you have doctor's orders? Me: Yes
This is where Elaine informed me, I was being snotty. Come on, do people drive into this parking lot if they don’t want to be tested? Do people get tested without doctors’ orders?
Tech: If you have a doctor’s order you need to be in the other lane. Me: Really? (I moved the car)