The Twins and a Mattress

We might have waited a little too long to replace our mattress. Honestly, with me spending as much time in the hospital as at home, I didn’t notice how bad our mattress was. Elaine was spending so much time taking care of me and everything else, our mattress just didn’t seem important.

Visually our mattress looked more like the Grand Canyon than the Great Plains of North Dakota. I found myself many a night hanging on the side of the bed to keep from rolling into the canyon and possibly smothering Elaine. Elaine didn’t know my hanging on the side of the bed trick or chose not to use it. Elaine would simply roll into the canyon taking her pillows, my pillows, and all the blankets with her.


Now I don’t like to sound like I’m complaining because I could always go sleep on the recliner, downstairs (which I did). Not the giant masculine leather recliner you are imagining. No, that was sold at a garage sale before we moved to our small mountain home. I am able to sleep on one of the uncomfortable, teeny, space-saving, Victorian with four wooden legs, and feminine recliners. Forget your couch idea, it is reserved for the dog. We have two feminine recliners because that is much better than one big ol’ leather recliner.


Sometimes I appear a little bitter in these stories, I apologize. The truth is I learned as a youngster camping that I can sleep on a large rock. I just tell myself that I’m comfortable. Those teeny recliners aren’t keeping me from sleeping. Oh, sorry. I’m sounding bitter again.

Anyway, with Elaine’s hips giving her fits and me sleeping downstairs on one of the recliners (please, don’t get me started) the decision was made to LOOK for a new mattress. With all the mattresses advertised on television looking is not hard. What’s hard is not getting confused. You can get mattresses that heat, cool, vibrate, teach math, and answer the phone. That aside, I went looking for a mattress, but Elaine went LOOKING for a mattress.


It wasn’t long and I was informed I could stop looking.

Elaine: Our new mattress will be delivered here Wednesday Me: Delivered? What does that mean? Elaine: I ordered it from the warehouse store. They will bring it right to the door. Me: That’s great. Will they set it up and take the old one? Elaine: No, they will only bring it into the house. Me: I think mattresses are exactly what the doctor told me not to lift or carry. Elaine: We can get the twins to help. Me: Girl Twin has the Beast (truck). We will need her to haul the old mattress away. Elaine: We will ask them to be here Wednesday night.

The mattress arrived Wednesday as planned. The delivery guys put the mattress in the house. They shoved it into the front door, asked to have their paperwork signed, and were gone. The twins had agreed to help.


Elaine didn’t buy a mattress that heats, cools, or teaches math. She bought a mattress that comes in a box. Not a mattress-shaped box, but a mini-refrigerator-shaped box. Did I mention the box was heavy? It took two big guys to carry it into the house.


When the twins arrived, all plans changed. Or at least the plans tried to be changed.

Girl Twin did not want to load the old mattress on the Beast (my Beast) until the weekend. She either forgot to tell Boy Twin, or he didn’t listen that she wasn’t helping with the mattress exchange.


I can’t speak for all twins, but our twins don’t like to accept directions from the other twin. Boy Twin was determined to swap mattresses. It wasn’t long and he had the box on his shoulder and was walking up the stairs.


Me: WHAT ARE YOU DOING? Boy Twin: I’m swapping the mattress. Me: That box is heavy, it took two guys to get in the house. Boy Twin: I have this. Me (to Elaine): I see back surgery coming (She didn’t hear me) Girl Twin: I’m not taking the old mattress tonight. Me: Boy Twin, don’t open the box. Boy Twin: Too late. Girl Twin: We need to take the old mattress and put it on the deck. Me: I’m sorry, but we are loading the mattress on the truck tonight. Girl Twin: NO, WE ARE NOT Me: Somehow you are forgetting who actually owns the Beast


It really didn’t matter what Girl Twin or I thought. Boy Twin was on a mission. He was not about to let Girl Twin dictate the situation.


Boy Twin had opened the box and was cutting the plastic wrap of the mattress. The mattress started unfolding and unrolling. I helped him place the new mattress on the bed. He carried the old mattress down the stairs and threw it in the Beast.

Smugly smiling, he knew he had pulled one over on his Sis. He might have even been pleased he caused a little strife between Girl Twin and me.


On the plus side, Elaine’s hips are not bothering her. I am spending most nights in bed. (I’m kind of used to those feminine recliners.) I’m not sure what happened to the old mattress, but the twins are still speaking to each other, so I guess all things are good.


Don’t forget Ukraine. Buy more yarn. Ivy is teaching knitting at the Estes Park Wool Market next weekend. Elaine and I are attending as spectators. (Oh, yippie)


Our crazy lives!

Monner