Art Linkletter and Me

If you are as old as I am, you might remember an old black and white television show call “Kids say the darndest things.” The host was a man named Art Linkletter. The show was remade years later by another guy, but we are trying to forget the second show.

If I was to remake the show today with me as the host, (I would want to be the host because I have ego issues.) I would want to call the show “Teenagers say things that (construction language) me off!”

It is track season at the twin’s middle school. Boy Twin is competing in the discus, long jump and 200 meter dash. Girl Twin has decided that she does not want to participate in track this year, in spite of being a promising hurdler last year.

The weather here in Northern Colorado has not been kind to the track season. The first track meet of the year was cancelled mid-meet due to a thunderstorm, but we will get to that in a minute. Most of the track practices have been either cancelled or held in the gym and hallways at the school.

Last week the weather cooperated and the school was able to practice outside. The following day was also nice and the team practiced outside for the second day in a row.

On the second day of nice weather, Boy Twin called Elaine to inform her he would not be attending practice and he would be riding the school bus home. With the wet weather on Elaine’s mind this seemed perfectly normal.

Elaine: Monner, you won’t need to pick up Boy Twin after practice. They aren’t having practice. Me: OK, thanks. I wonder why they aren’t having practice. Elaine: He said it was too wet. Me: They had practice yesterday, and it hasn’t rained or snowed since then. Elaine: That little devil! He lied.

Now I wouldn’t have called him a little devil. That was a perfect time to use some word that would make a construction worker blush. But, Elaine is different. I think that’s why people like her more than, OK, people like me.

Once I arrived home I confronted Boy Twin.

Me: Hey bud, how was track? (I’m setting the trap.) Boy Twin: I didn’t go. Me: Was the track wet? Boy Twin: No, I hurt my back in PE. The coach told me to take the day off. Me: Why would you tell Grandma it was too wet? Boy Twin: I didn’t. She said, “Is the track wet” and I said “Yes” Me: You think that is honest? Boy Twin: Yes, she said the track is wet, so I agreed. She didn’t ask about my back.

This might be the first episode of my show.

The school scheduled a track meet with two other area schools and almost completed it before the lightning rolled in and sent everyone home. Elaine and I arrived at the meet to find the kids warming up for the long jump. I mentioned long jump was one of the events the school asked Boy Twin to compete in.

Boy twin was nowhere near the long jump. I searched the area and found Boy Twin in the area of the shot put.

Me: Weren’t you going to long jump? Boy Twin: Yes, I’m going to the shot put and then I’m going over there. Me: I don’t think so. Boy Twin: Why not? Me: Because it’s has already finished. Why are you doing the shot put? Boy Twin: Well, I was over here and it looked fun.

This may not have been an episode in my show, but I think the kid is trying to kill me.

At the track meet I noticed Girl Twin was hanging out with the team. Since the track meet was held at one of the local high schools I asked Girl Twin how she got to the meet.

Me: So how did you get here? Girl Twin: I rode the bus with the team. Me: I didn’t know they let non-members ride the bus. Girl Twin: They don’t, %^&* and I are team managers. Me: Does it make sense that if you need to be at every practice anyway, why not join the team? Girl Twin: I don’t like to run. Me: I’m confused, you liked the hurdles last year. Girl Twin: I like the hurdles, I just don’t like to run between them.